Why did the chicken cross the road?

Plato:  For the greater good.

Hippocrates:  Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. 

Sappho:  Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, 
	fairer than all of Hellas' fine armies.

Buddha:  If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Machiavelli:  So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a
 chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, 
 but also with fear, for who among them has the strength to contend
 with such a paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the 
 princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Tomas de Torquemada:  Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll
 find out.

Nietzsche:  Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
 gazes also across you.

Karl Marx:  It was an historical inevitability.

Captain Kirk:  To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Carl Jung:  The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt 
 necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
 juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences 
 into being.

Timothy Leary:  Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
 would let it take.

Jean-Paul Sartre:  In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
 the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein:  The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into
 the object's "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being
 which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein:   Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
 crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Darwin:  It was the next logical step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson:  Because it could not stop for Death.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:  It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe:  The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway:  To die.  In the rain.

David Hume:  Out of custom and habit.

Henry David Thoreau:  To live deliberately ... and suck all the 
 marrow out of life.

Mark Twain:  The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Stephen Jay Gould:  It is possible that there is a sociobiological
 explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with
 sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct
 evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to 
 obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently 
 in sociobiological speculation.

Oliver North:  National security was at stake.

Saddam Hussein:  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were
 quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson:  'Cause it (censored) wanted to.  That's the (censored)
 reason.

Bill Clinton:  I positively did not have sexual relations with that
 chicken!

Col. Sanders:  I missed one?